Overcoming Rejection

Overcoming Rejection - Repost

This article is straight forward and to the point. No one deserves to be rejected, however it is the rejected party's responsibility to chose whether they will let the rejection determine their response (which will be negative) or will they consciously choose to process the rejection in light of "reality", it is simply the other person's choice. You do not have to integrate their negative view of you into your sense of self. YOU CHOOSE to define yourself not them. NEVER let someone else define who you are. It may be incredibly painful but you have to let them go if that is their choice.

Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

• There is something wrong with you.

• You are disliked.

• You will never change.

• You do not belong in this group.

• You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

• You are not one of us.

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self. 

Hang in there and Love Yourself.

Connie Podesta: The Two Most Manipulative Emotions

Connie Podesta: Attracted to People For Our Own Weaknesses?

Sociopaths Hate the Truth and Anyone Who Advocates The Truth

Sociopaths In Our Midst Hate the Truth and Its Advocates

Posted By Rob on November 12, 2010

What is the one thing a sociopath does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, sociopaths do not want the truth about them to be known as they are insecure, malicious, and devious people. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and rejected. That’s in large part because they use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If others were to know about their true nature, they realize that most would want nothing to do with them. They would lose the support networks of malicious minions they control and incite to abuse other people. Therefore sociopaths have a strong motivation to attack, discredit, harass, and ruin anybody who presents arguments and facts that might tend to raise questions and doubts about their behaviors and their false statements.

Many sociopaths are so insecure and malicious that they feel similarly motivated to go on the offensive, perhaps with lesser severity, in reaction to people who might embarrass them with obviously nasty (to them) comments like “Is that lettuce stuck between your teeth?” or “Your car is filthy! There’s a $3 carwash special across the street.” If that gets them unhinged, just imagine what being exposed as a child abuser, false accuser, liar, or thief will do.

Read the rest of the article here.

No Arms and No Legs Yet He Encourages Others to Never Give Up!

Check this Guy Out.

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Nick Vujicic

Nick is an incredible inspiration to anyone willing to listen.

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Freedom Is Colorblind ( Open Your Eyes )

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Definition of Addiction and Real Love

Addiction

Addiction is the compulsive use of any substance, person,
feeling, or behavior with a relative disregard of the potentially negative
social, psychological, and physical consequences.

This definition of addiction creates a much broader—and
more accurate—picture of addiction, which we will demonstrate
in much greater detail throughout the remainder of this article.

Addiction is not a disease. Addiction is a response to pain.

Real Love

But not just any kind of love will do. The only kind
of love that can fill us up and make us whole emotionally is Real Love.

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person
without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.

It’s also Real Love when other people care about
our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed
or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do
what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally.

Married To A Narcissist & Waiting For Good Times To Return?

Great Article by Diane England, Ph.D.

Although written from a female perspective the same applies both ways

Introduction:

When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?

I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.

For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.

Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership.

Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.

Rather like the two-year-old.

The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?

Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.

I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?

So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism - which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?

Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.

To continue go here: Married to a Narcissist

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The Awakening - When You Finally Realize Something is Not Right

If you are suffering at the hands of a narcissist or someone exhibiting borderline personality traits you need to read the following to help you wake up. Then read some of the other information here and follow the links to other resources. No matter what do not let anything stop you from finding the healing you need from the abuse you have suffered.

Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…. ENOUGH!Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new ayes. This is you awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of peace and calm is born of acceptance.

Got here for the full article: Awakening

The Self-Doubter and Emotional Blackmail

When we do not trust ourselves we will assign wisdom and intelligence to another person and thus we hand them the power to keep our self-doubt active if they so wish. This gives others way to much control and influence over us and we can easily fall prey to emotional blackmail/abuse. We need to listen to our own inner voice and trust it more knowing that we have our best interest at heart.

The self-doubter needs to stay on guard against others who say "they know what's best for us" or that "they know us better than we know ourselves". That is always a lie. No one can know that other than yourself.

We also have to stop training our blackmailers to treat us the way the do. We betray ourselves when we show them what works on us. You see, the emotional blackmailer takes his/her que from us, by what we do and don't do. They clearly pick up on what works and what does not work by how we respond and whether they get what they want or not.

Author Susan Forward says that if you do any of the following you are acting as a coach to the blackmailer:

"When pressured by a blackmailer, do you:
- Apologize
- "Reason"
- Cry
- Plead
- Change or cancel important plans or appointments
- Give in and hope it's the last time
- Surrender

Do you find it difficult or impossible to:
- Stand up for yourself?
- Confront what's going on?
- Set limits?
- Let blackmailers know that their behavior is unacceptable?

When we do these things we essentially are saying "It worked. Do it Again!!"

Beliefs, Feelings and Emotions

Beliefs, Feelings, Emotions: Leaders They Must Be Understood By Leaders - Leadership - Roger Ingbretsen

By Roger IngbretsenFrom http://www.evancarmichael.com

Beliefs, feelings and emotions play heavily into organizational and a team work culture. This is an area that is often overlooked or taken for granted and yet has one of the greatest effects on promoting a positive synergy within any type of organizational structure. Beliefs determine how an individual or an organization approaches the future. In my use of the word “beliefs,” its true purpose is that it serves as the major guide for our decisions, which in turn dictates our behaviors. Beliefs are a refection of who we are as individuals they speak to our life experiences and to our heritage and collectively our culture. Beliefs have an influence at every stage of our making a choice. Beliefs shape what we perceive to be good or bad, true or false. Many beliefs are merely habits because we don’t know any other way of thinking or because we haven’t stopped to think about the motives or reasons for those beliefs. Our true beliefs are the principles we live by. Interesting, beliefs are latent constructs and as such are not observable in themselves. That is, we can only infer that people have certain beliefs by what they say, do, or how they behave. The same holds true for organizations. I have come to realize that our beliefs, feeling and emotions combined, are the strongest components of the work culture. They are the drivers and the expression of those drivers. This holds true for all of the people who make up any size and structure of what we call organization or team. By explaining some of our common experiences with regard to our beliefs, feelings and emotions, we can gain a better understanding of both some of the “how’s” and “whys” when dealing with change and management. We are what we believe, learn and experience. As we live life through our learned and experienced belief system, we compose our mental model of reality. Reality to each of us is the sum total of what we believe to be fact. These perceived facts can often cause us to not see things in a new way or they can prevent us from possibly seeking more factual information. We find great comfort in our beliefs, usually failing to question anything that may cause us to feel uncomfortable. I personally think we fail to question our deeply held beliefs because in a sense it makes us feel more vulnerable. It’s almost as if we are questioning our own identity of the person we think we are. Also, our beliefs most often feel so natural to us that changing them is a risk few people ever attempt. Adding to this equation is the fact that we have enormous emotional ties to what has worked for us in the past, so we tend to do more of the same, thinking that what worked in the past is the answer to our future.I think most would agree that “the important thing” we value in our lives either collectively or individually is “our life experiences.” These experiences can relate to family, friends, our jobs, etc. It is human nature to reduce our everyday experiences to personal terms. “My project” is an example of the intimate context that a turned on innovative person would ascribe to a job they are engaged in. Through personal experience and observation, I’ve concluded that two dimensions measure our experiences. They are, the quantity – how much or how little I experience something – and the quality of the experience – was it pleasurable or painful and to what degree. I’m convinced that what we believe, how we feel about what we believe and how those feelings are expressed or suppressed in the form of our emotions, are central to how we perceive and experience life. Therefore, the quality of our life is measured by the sum total of the quality of our experiences. Additionally, we are continually “shaped” by our experiences as we go through life. This shaping process becomes the form and texture of our beliefs. Just as the potter shapes and molds a vessel, we too can shape and mold our beliefs. But, just like the potter, as soon as the vessel is put into the kiln to fire it, the vessel is then robbed of its ability to be reshaped. When we truly fire our beliefs they become virtually impossible to change. To continue the shaping process it takes a major break, a major event, to once again set in motion the evolution of our beliefs.There are rare instances in our lives where physical or emotional response to trauma based on our animal or primal “fight or flight,” instincts kick in. This can occur when an individual is subjected to severe stress or to what the individual believes to be a threatening situation. The response may be one of confrontation or of avoidance. The fight or flight response can be an excellent safety valve because it enables an individual to quickly resist or move away from the threatening situation. However, for the vast majority of our lives it is our belief system, which guides our actions. Indeed to the extent we have the ability to think and dream up and believe in threatening situations, we also have the ability to think through and believe in our ability to develop a myriad of solutions, so life is not so threatening. We can learn how to conquer or protect ourselves from those things that used to threaten us to the point where we begin to believe in our enhanced capabilities. Our beliefs can enable us to become more adaptive. With this said, my definitions of beliefs, feelings and emotion are in order. Beliefs are our mental acceptance of, or our conviction in, the truth or actuality of a statement. Feelings are the mental or physical sensations or awareness that is triggered by our beliefs. Emotions are the complex and often strong response or expression of our feelings, which most often is driven by choice, not reason. Each of these can be explained from the standpoint of how they express themselves from both an individual and organizational context. Our beliefs, feelings and emotions play a very important role in how we interact and react to our world. They both force us, and allow us, to respond to and deal with the overwhelming environment that surrounds us. In fact, the most chaotic area in our life will most likely involve the areas of our beliefs, feeling and emotions. When we start looking more carefully into the language of our beliefs, feelings and emotions, we will quickly realize that most people do not have a solid understanding of them, even though they comprise the very essence of how we deal with or react to everything and everybody. We use the words beliefs, feelings and emotions, most often without having been taught what they are; however, they are so important that they should at the very least be generally understood because of how they affect what we do and how we act. This is of key importance because in short – beliefs, feelings and emotions are at the heart of how we experience life – life both on and off the job.The more we learn and understand about human behavior the more we come to realize the extraordinary power that beliefs have over our personal lives and our collective culture. The power of our beliefs often defies logic. Logical or not, it is clear the beliefs which people construct about their life and about themselves, strongly influence the decisions emerging in their minds and hearts. In fact, our personal beliefs are at the very core of our decision-making. That is, most of our decisions are based on the beliefs we hold, whether consciously or subconsciously. Also our beliefs have relative importance. Some beliefs a person will die for, while others are simply what they say they believe and to which has been attached, very little thought. For most, it is easier to say what we believe than to “be” what we believe. Ultimately, beliefs are not best expressed in words but rather are expressed in the choices made. A good test to measure the importance of beliefs is to ask, “Do I really live, act and behave in a manner consistent with what I say I believe both to others and myself?” Honestly answering this question can provide great insight on both how important a belief is and help in making decisions, which are consistent with that belief. Honestly answering this question could also cause a person to rethink and possibly change their beliefs, to better align with or cope with reality. All of the above also holds true when discussing organizational beliefs.Beliefs are our attitudes toward what we think to be the truth about a statement. If we strongly believe a statement to be true, then we believe in what that statement espouses. Some beliefs such as a moral belief or what can be called a background belief or true belief can be very strong, staying with us our entire life. Interestingly but not surprising, we tend to gather information that supports our dominant beliefs rather than search objectively for the truth. In fact, the more we have invested in our beliefs the harder it is to change them because we continually seek to reinforce them. Depending on how strong our moral beliefs are, they can actually define who we are to both others and ourselves. As an example, a person may believe all their life in a particular religion and actively practice that religion as part of their everyday life. That particular religion and the statements it makes represents the truth to them and they are willing to defend or act upon the statements, which that particular religion teaches. Religion is a perfect example of a strong belief because even if any doubts exist about religious beliefs, people often embark on a strategy of self-brainwashing by going to their particular house of worship, saying prayers and doing activities with others who share their beliefs. This practice ultimately helps promote and reinforce beliefs.If there are still some doubts about religious beliefs many rationalize those doubts by tagging the doubts with an expression of “faith in a mystical belief.” This in fact says, there is no proof that the religious beliefs are based on actual tangible truth or fact, but perhaps rather on faith in beliefs that have been passed down through the centuries or through some other reasoning. I would say that all religions are ultimately based on a belief in faith. Some people’s faith in their beliefs is so strong that they will die defending them. This discussion on religious beliefs is not meant as a negative about human nature or religion. The reason I used this example of religious belief is because it serves as an excellent example of how beliefs effect emotions. This is important when we realize that emotions follow a belief, not necessarily a proven truth. Studies conducted on the subject of emotions, point to the fact that more than intellectual ability, emotions drive our thinking and interaction with others and situations. I can get very emotional because I believe a snake is going to attack me, when the truth is, the snake is in a coil position to protect itself, not attack. The stronger the belief, the stronger the emotions. It then follows that beliefs and emotions come in degrees. This can then raise the questions, can beliefs be changed? And if so how? And will this change affect emotions?Once a belief is acquired it tends to stay with us a long time; however, beliefs may change with new evidence or a reflection on old evidence. As an example; I may believe that a particular National Football Team is the best there is. I believe this because they win game after game, some Super Bowl titles and have one of the best quarterbacks in the league. I also like there name, the color of their uniforms and believe in their abilities. My belief is so strong that I have purchased expensive season tickets and really get emotional at every game. I feel fantastic because they almost always win. Then they start to lose a few games. A few, turns into many. I go through denial saying it’s just a temporary thing. Eventually the statistics (evidence) begins to effect my belief. In a few years I change my mind and now believe that another NFL team is best or I may even give up football as something to which I no longer want to commit time and money. I went from an emotional high to an emotional low and on to accepting reality over my beliefs in a team or a sport. I would propose that if as an individual you want to be more effective, live life with conscious choice rather than through unconscious programming. Observe your beliefs through your emotions and ask what am I feeling? Try to ascertain how your beliefs are causing you to emotionally act, and evaluate what particular beliefs are causing you to feel emotional. Ask the question, if I changed my belief could it cause me to act and feel differently? Would the change allow me to adapt and become more effective and successful? In a beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In an expert’s mind there are few. With regard to changing your beliefs, a possibility is to think like a beginner!Let’s bring our beliefs discussion into our work world. “The organization is, above all, social. It is people. Its purpose must therefore be to make the strengths of people effective and their weakness irrelevant.” From the Drucker Foundation book The Organization of the future. If I believe I’m working for a great leader and I believe he or she is doing the right thing for the organization, I will most likely be emotionally attracted to do whatever it takes to make that leader successful. If I’m working for what I believe to be a good organization my beliefs will cause me to defend and feel that I should emotionally support that organization. If I’m working with what I believe to be great people on a great project, my beliefs will cause me to feel that I should emotionally and passionately support both the team and the project. Compounding the positive and negative power of our individual belief system in an organization is the “institutional belief system.” Institutional beliefs, which have also been referred to, as “institutional memory” can be a very positive influence or it can compound the degree of difficulty in making virtually any change within an organization. Quoting Alvin Toffler, “Every business has a belief system and it is at least as important as its accounting system or its authority system.” Even when exceptional leadership for change emerges, overall institutional resistance can remain strong. The comfort and belief in “how we’ve always done things around here” can be and in most situations is, very difficult to overcome. In my observations, the cultural norms or beliefs are so pervasive that they are almost invisible. If changes are to be made, I believe one of the first things that must be done is find the true answer to “how are things done around here?” When this is done, then a plan can be put together, which can begin the process of changing the belief system. It is very important to determine if the organizational beliefs are “obsolete” or are they “supportive” of the future. If the organization must change in order to sustain itself it is imperative that leadership clearly communicates why it is changing and continually work on the belief system with facts, pictures, meetings, messages, hallway talk, whatever it takes to help everyone understand the truths behind the new statement. When the beliefs change, the emotions will follow. Only when the beliefs, emotions and the language that surrounds them change, will attitudes become positive toward a new way of doing things.Beliefs and emotions have been discussed, so where do feelings come into play? As has been stated, feelings are the mental and physical sensations or awareness we experience as a result of our beliefs. If one of our beliefs is challenged we will feel uncomfortable, upset or even angry. As an example we may believe that everyone in our neighborhood should take care of his or her yard. When one person does not go along with our beliefs we could be upset or even very angry depending upon how much we believed that a beautiful neat neighborhood is important. We can even solicit reinforcement for our belief by asking others in the neighborhood how they feel. Their feelings can then have further impact on ours. If one of our beliefs is highly supported by others we will feel good, excited or even euphoric. If you believe that hard work should be rewarded and your boss publicly praises you for all the hard work you have just put into a project, you will feel very good and your belief in hard work as being the right thing to do will be reinforced. If others are present when you are rewarded they too can have their belief system reinforced or even changed. If they did not believe that hard work gets rewarded, the observation of your being rewarded is an outward sign of a cultural belief system, which the leader’s behavior validates. As stated earlier a cultural belief system has a very strong effect on individuals. That cultural belief system can make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. Feeling good or bad about an organization comes from what people believe about the daily activities that occur in the organization. This last example is excellent testament to studies that indicate that the single greatest influence on the work culture of an organization or team is the actions of the leader and their effects on a cultural belief system. Even as you have read what has been presented up to this point, your feelings – those mental or physical sensations and awareness – could be stirring some emotions. Your feelings may agree or disagree with what has been said. You may feel “Oh here we go again,” or “Hey this is interesting, I want to read more.”How does this discussion of beliefs, feelings and emotions tie into chaos and complexity found in leading an organization? Looking at any type of organization as a complex nonlinear system it becomes easier to view the overall complexity of the total organization or project, rather than simply looking at its parts. Having the ability to see things as connected, and having the ability to align beliefs to the whole rather than a part, one can develop a greater wisdom toward reaching a balance for all concerned. Rather than getting feelings bogged down in the minutia of parts, more energy can be spent seeing how beliefs fit into and are connected to the big picture. One of the characteristics needed in the new complex work environment is having the wisdom and broad perspective to see the big picture. By seeing the interrelationships of beliefs,feelings and emotions, rather than linear cause-effect chains and by seeing the overall processes required to accomplish the end rather than snap shots in a vacuum, most people will have a stronger and more valid belief in what he or she is doing. They will feel more connected and be better prepared to emotionally support the organizational effort.The scientific community takes a holistic view seeing all phenomena as inseparable elements of living systems. In living systems very little is absolutely predictable, therefore the emphasis is always on process and change and adaptive systems. Nothing is regarded separately from eventual change and the consequences of those changes on the larger environment. I believe the time has come to look at organizations as living systems. People are whole living entities not just hands. They are thinking, believing, feeling and emotional living beings, which need to be engaged at the highest, level possible. Organizations are above all social structures built on people. If an organization, group or team is to be successful, it must build itself on the strengths of its entire staff. The structure of the organization must nourish and grow the talents of those people who display interest in wanting to be part of the process.Just as the scientific community has taken a holistic view, so too should the organizational community or project team. They should look at the whole rather than its parts. This especially holds true for the leadership of an organization where a holistic view helps keep everyone moving in one direction within a continually changing process. In order for people’s minds and hearts to really get behind their work they must absolutely understand the big picture and truly believe, in what they are about to undertake. To quote Alvin Toffler, “You’ve got to think about the big things while you’re doing the small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction.” Also, the idea of thinking as a holistic complex organization or team is to get the whole moving faster than its parts. Stanley Davis, author of Future Perfect talks about a holistic model in this way. “The whole is not the sum of the parts, but rather the sum of the parts and their interrelationships. It’s the relationship between parts that give them significance,” he further states: “Organization, like technology and business, needs to refocus on the compatibility of parts, such that each may access any other part, and embody the whole simultaneously.” We create the world we live in, the organization we work in, the teams we are members of and the beliefs we hold both as individuals and collectively as organizations. In other words, we each create our own reality and the same holds true for any type of organization. Evaluation of beliefs helps you understand how important they are in your decision making process. When self-beliefs go unexamined they can impose restrictive non-holistic thinking. It is also important to take a holistic view of the collective beliefs to make sure they are in alignment with organizational outcomes. Organizations must purposefully create and facilitate an environment in which both leaders and followers can develop their capabilities by providing greater opportunities to experience and practice shared beliefs within flexible roles. Instead of fixing pieces and parts, leaders and followers must redesign the processes as they apply to the whole. They must believe and understand that their collective performance relates to the total performance of the organization. This is what holistic systems thinking is all about. When this becomes part of the cultural belief system, both leaders and followers will have increased their ability to impact outcomes and effect change from any position in the organization.


Also please visit my business site: http://www.neobiztoday.com

Overcoming Rejection

This article is straight forward and to the point. No one deserves to be rejected, however it is the rejected party's responsibility to chose whether they will let the rejection determine their response (which will be negative) or will they consciously choose to process the rejection in light of "reality", it is simply the other person's choice. You do not have to integrate their negative view of you into your sense of self. YOU CHOOSE to define yourself not them. NEVER let someone else define who you are. It may be incredibly painful but you have to let them go if that is their choice. For a great book on controlling people and their often rejecting behaviors go to "Control Freaks".

clipped from www.4therapy.com Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects. Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: • There is something wrong with you. • You are disliked. • You will never change. • You do not belong in this group. • You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable. • You are not one of us. The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

Addiction and Real Love

This article is a great description of what addiction is, where it comes from and what REAL LOVE is and how it relates to addictions.

clipped from www.reallove.com Addiction is the compulsive use of any substance, person, feeling, or behavior with a relative disregard of the potentially negative social, psychological, and physical consequences. This definition of addiction creates a much broader—and more accurate—picture of addiction, which we will demonstrate in much greater detail throughout the remainder of this article. Addiction is not a disease. Addiction is a response to pain. Real Love But not just any kind of love will do. The only kind of love that can fill us up and make us whole emotionally is Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally.

Making Amends

Although I am a christian the truths and principles in this article by a Buddhist monk regarding our need to take responsibility for our OWN choices in life and not blame others, regardless of their words and actions, is universal. For an excellent resource on finding FREEDOM from other people's dictates go to either control-freak-series or Start Life Today blog.
Best Wishes to all.
-- Kenneth

clipped from innerself.com Making Amends by Madeline Ko-i Bastis When we quiet the mind, our transgressions emerge from the shadows and we become sensitive to our interaction with others. A turning point presents itself. Though we feel regret at having caused harm, there may still be a niggling voice whispering that our actions were necessary. Tit for tat; he deserved that; we were not acting, only reacting. It's important to remember that we alone are in control of our actions. When the words and actions of other people dictate our choices, we are not free. This is our opportunity to make a major change in our lives and unyoke ourselves from the ingrained habit of being reactive.

The Control Freak’s Guide

The Control Freak’s Guide™ to Living Lightly—Manifesting a Life of Total Trust

"This book is not just a ‘how to’ manual for "letting go"...
Read it and provoked into a new relationship with yourself and a new way of living
that will open the door to all your great dreams and desires."
—Dr. Robert Anthony, Best-selling author of Beyond Positive Thinking

Purchase your copy here control freak

This book takes the “troll” out of “control”
and puts the “free” back in “freak.”

The Control Freak Series

I have found a great reference for anyone dealing with their own control issues or someone else's and wants to find FREEDOM!!! See below the intro some free downloads to assist you.

Read the Introduction for Free, Click here

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Thanks for checking us out! We’re glad you’re joining us on the mission to live lightly – or at least the mission to read a book about it. The Control Freak’s Guide™ to Living Lightly – Manifesting A Life of Total Trust is all about allowing you, control freak or not, to free yourself from that box you’ve been living in. You know – the one that keeps you spinning your wheels when what you really want is to move forward; the one from which you must free yourself if you wish to live a life of complete peace, abundance, and joy. Yes, this really is possible and The Control Freak’s Guide™ is designed to help you do it. We keep hearing it from people all around the world: The investment that you make in the price of the book is insignificant when compared to the radical abundance that comes from reading it and working its principles into your life. We build upon these guiding principles in our free quarterly newsletter, Whatever News (once you've read the book you'll get the title), and in our free 6-week e-course, Freakology 101.

Click here to purchase The Control Freak's Guide™


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Enjoy downloading and working from your additional Control Freaks Guide™ exercise worksheets. Come back and visit, as new exercises and questions to ponder are coming soon.

• "Who are the controllers in your neighborhood?"

• "Desires and Beliefs"

• "Drawing your box of limiting beliefs"

• "Your very own spectrum diagram"

• "Rays of lightness"

• "Forgiving yourself"

Dealing With Control Freaks

The article below by TJ Schumacher is outstanding in describing the controlling person in your life and how to best manage that relationship if you intend to stay in it.
---- Kenneth -----


by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
More About Thomas...

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

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- Transition Issues for the Elderly and Their Families
- Understanding and Acknowldging Negative Emotions

Recommended Reading

- Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed Out Children by Grace LeBow, et al.
- One Family's Journey Through Alzheimer's by Mary B. Walsh
- Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? How to Resolve the Most Common Dilemmas with Aging Parents by Joseph Ilardo and Carole Rothman
- Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents by Claire Berman
- Nursing Homes: The Family's Journey by Peter Silin
- Caregiver's Reprive: A Guide to Emotional Survival by Avrene Brandt

Books On Emotional Abuse

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

Are you now, or have you ever been, in relationships with family, friends, or mates who have been verbally abusive? Is your happiness with someone you love continually threatened by interactions that continually undermine your self-esteem? Do you feel trapped in a relationship that keeps decaying in a downward spiral of overt or passive-aggressive abuse?

Controlling People How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

A timely book that not only helps readers free themselves from controlling types but also seeks to explain the occurrence of verbal abuse, battering, stalking, harassment, hate crimes, gang violence, tyranny, terrorism, and territorial invasion

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You By Susan Forward (Author), Donna Frazier (Author)

Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss (Author), James F. Masterson

Beginning with an explanation of what has become one of the foremost personality types of our time, Sandy Hotchkiss describes what she calls the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, and Bad Boundaries -- and where they come from. You will learn to recognize the hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism in its many guises and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in its creation.

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by by Gregory L. Jantz, Ann McMurray (Contributor), Ann McMurray Revell

In this provocative book, Dr. Gregory Jantz examines the pervasive yet overlooked problem of emotional abuse-and why it is so common and damaging. Whether you or a loved one has been abused by words, actions, or even indifference, this book will help you understand the effects of the abuse, give you insight into the problems of the abuser, and show you how to overcome the past.

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen, Helen Marx (Afterword), Thomas Moore (Translator)

Claiming that emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages, families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional abusers" and their "victims" evolve. While recognizing that the "clean violence" of an emotional abuserAwho as a "natural manipulator" often attracts others with a dynamic, winning styleAis hard to prove, she aims to enable those who are being abused to recognize what's going on and get help, and to alert her fellow therapists to the danger signs. Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves.

The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life by Albert Ellis, Marcia Grad Powers

The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude. Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by M.F.C.C. Beverly Engel (Author)

If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past.

Emotional Abuse : The Trauma and the Treatment by Marti Tamm Loring (Author)

Emotional Abuse breaks new ground in describing this little understood and acknowledged form of interpersonal mistreatment. Loring describes both overt and covert emotional abuse and makes crucial linkages to other types of abuse as well. Her intervention strategies are grounded in relational theory and give the therapist a practical approach to the assessment and treatment of the emotionally abused client.

The Mother I Carry: A Memoir of Healing from Emotional Abuse by Louise M. Wisechild

This is a great book for anyone who feels alone in their emotions. It is well worth the time it took me to read the book. I would recommend this book for anyone who has ever been abused by someone they loved so much.

Silently Seduced : When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest by Kenneth Adams (Author)

When a parent's love for a child is more expecting than giving, more jealous than trusting, the child can become trapped in a "psychological marriage" with the parent, becoming a victim of covert incest. Identification of this problem is often difficult, for the victim often feels idealized and privileged rather than abused. Dr. Adams provides a framework for beginning a process of recovery.

The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships by Donald G. Dutton (Author)

the best study of the male abuser in print. It is startling in the depth of understanding it displays of one particular type of male batterer, the puzzling man who abuses his domestic partner but appears to have no difficulty controlling his anger with others. Dutton's current understanding of the abusive personality is informed by prodigious research of his own, informed appreciation of the work of others, and a personal intellectual journey of discovery....this is an important book that can be of real value to all professionals concerned with the problem of domestic violence.

Men can be victims too!

From --> http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/forMen.htm

Not only women are victims of Domestic Abuse. Men can be, and frequently are, also victims of abuse in the home, either at the hands of their female or, in the case of same-sex relationships, their male partner. Abuse is a control issue - abusers believe they have the right to manipulate, control and humilate another person, and this belief is not only held by some men but also by some women.

This page is not questioning statistics, or asking whether more men are abused by women or vice versa. At the end of the day the question is almost inconsequential. We know that there are many men who DO experience Domestic Abuse at some stage in their lives, and whether there are 1000 or 100,000 per year in the UK alone doesn't make any difference to the individual suffering and fear and pain experienced by any one man in an abusive relationship. What is important, is that their suffering is taken seriously, and that support and help is available when needed, regardless of gender.

Many of the effects of abuse are the same for men as for women. They are likely to feel deeply shamed, frightened, experience a loss of self-worth and confidence, feel isolated, guilty and confused about the situation. A lot of male victims of abuse however, have great difficulty defining it as such. This is partially due to the image our western society generally has of Man. Men are often thought of as strong, domineering and macho. Boys, even at a young age, are taught that it is unmanly to cry ("big boys don't cry"). To many, the idea of a grown man being frightened or vulnerable is a taboo, the idea of a man - usually physically the stronger - of being battered, ludicrous. Hence many male victims of abuse may feel "less of a man" for suffering abuse, feel as though they are in some way not manly enough and ought to have the ability to prevent the abuse.

"... she used to regularly scream at me and hit me, but when I needed stitches in my head after she had attacked me with a knife while drunk, I had to leave." (Anon)

"I told my colleagues that I had scratched myself during the night due to a change in washing powder - actually it was my wife who did it, but I couldn't tell them that." (Anon)

The reality though is that even if a man is physically attacked by their wives or partners, many men will take a beating rather than hitting back to defend themselves and risk harming their attacker, and even if they do, they are aware that they then risk being accused of being an abuser themselves. But abuse is not always physical, and a lot of men, in common with many women, face daily emotional, verbal and psychological abuse in silence for years, their self-esteem being slowly eroded away, more and more isolated from those around them.

Men can also be victims of sexual abuse. A gay victim may be raped by their partner, suffering all the agonies any other rape victim would. Many men in abusive relationships do not feel in control of their own sex life, their partners may demand or coerce intercourse, may make derisory comments about their manhood or ridicule them in public. Any form of sexual contact which is knowingly without consent can be experienced as sexual abuse - regardless of gender! Many men also experience "sex as a reward for good behaviour" and the opposite of being denied any intimacy if they have (knowingly or not) done something to displease their partners, as being an abusive use of sexuality. In an abusive relationship, sex is often used as another form of manipulating and controlling the other person, whether male or female, and that is abusive.

"We only ever had sex on her terms. And each time she would call it off before I had come. I would be so frustrated, I would get up and make myself some tea and toast and try to cool off, but she didn't like me getting up either, I was just meant to stay there and hold her but do nothing! I don't know ... that really screwed me up at the time and still affects me now." (Anon - eight years after the end of the marriage)

Quite apart from any other of the myriad of reasons for not leaving (see Why We Stay), many men with children feel trapped in an abusive relationship because they fear that if they leave, they will lose contact with their children. They may also be afraid that their abusive partner will continue to abuse the children if they are gone (especially if this is already the case). They are aware that in most cases, residency is given to the mother, and they are afraid that even if they do disclose the abuse they have suffered in Court, that they will either simply not be believed, or, worse, that their abusive partner will somehow 'turn the tables' on them, and they will be condemned as abusive and have an even harder time gaining any adequate contact, let alone residency of their children.

If you are being abused

If you are a man and are being abused or have recently escaped an abusive relationship, please know that you are not alone. There are many of you out there, and many, like you, feel as though you are the only one to experience this sort of abuse. It is okay to be frightened, confused and hurt. Someone you love, care about and trust has broken that trust, turned against you and hurt you.

You don't have to suffer in silence, there are agencies and people who do care and can offer you help, support and advice. Check out the helplines and links at the bottom of this page which are specifically designed with you in mind. They are there to help you. Just because you are a man does not mean you are impervious to pain!
If you are no longer in the abusive relationship, know that you can 'get over this', but you may find that it still gives you nightmares and makes it difficult establishing a new relationship, learning to open up and trust someone again. It may help to talk to a counsellor about what happened and how you feel.

Please don't worry if you are disbelieved or ridiculed by some of the people you approach. Sadly many people do not want to or cannot (due to their own insecurities) believe that men can and do suffer abuse, remember that it is their personal problem if they don't believe you, not yours. It does not make your experiences any less painful or devastating or valid. Try to disregard their attitude and try someone else. You will find many people who DO take you seriously and can understand what you have suffered.

If you are frightened that your partner will hurt you further, you have the same rights as any other person, whether man or woman, under the law for protection. The same orders to prevent male on female violence are also there to protect you. Insist on your rights to be free from fear and live in safety. In the same way, the Family Courts have a responsibility to take ALL allegations of Domestic Abuse into account when considering residency and contact orders, whether they are against the father or the mother.

And finally, please realise that it is not your fault. You do not deserve to be hit, to be insulted and ridiculed, to be touched intimately if you have asked not to be, to be treated like a doormat, to be threatened, attacked with a weapon, shamed in front of your mates, told what to do when and with whom. You do not deserve to be abused in any way, shape or form.

Men can be Some useful links:

MensAid - A UK-based site for dealing with Domestic Violence and child contact issues with an emphasis on men's issues, though an excellent resource site for all concerned.

Hitting Home - the BBC site on Domestic Violence and Abuse. This link will take you straight to the page on male victims of abuse. Check out the Personal Stories page too.

MenWeb - A site for battered or abused men. Very comprehensive with loads of personal stories and articles.

Male Victims of Domestic Violence - A UK-based Domestic Abuse site specifically for male victims and survirors. Includes information on types and effects of abuse, coping mechanisms & more.

Survivors Swindon - A regionally based, nationally recognised agency, offering a confidential telephone helpline to male survivors of child sexual abuse and adult sexual assaults.

Devon M.A.L.E - Mens Advice Line and Enquiries. A confidential service supported by a charity with over twelve years experience specialising in domestic violence, offering: Advice and information, Safety advice, emotional support/listening and understanding via the adviceline or face to face meeting with our male outreach worker.

Men's Aid - Men's Aid is a registered charity that as been set up to provide free pratical advice and support to men who have been abused.

Support Line - offers advice on steps to be taken if you are being abused together with a list of UK agencies which can give further advice, help and a list of counsellors. Tel. 020 8554 9004.

Links for some personal stories from men suffering abuse:

Domestic violence - but I'm a man! - Bryan was a happy go-lucky comedian with a job and a blossoming artistic career until he met the woman who was to change his life. Read his story told in his own words on BBC Leeds.

Some Helplines:

Men's Advice Line and Enquiries - 020 8 644 9914

Information, support and advice to men experiencing domestic violence. Open from 9am to 10pm, Monday and Wednesday (answerphone at other times). Local projects for men are available in some areas.

Survivors (Swindon) - 0845 430 9371

Telephone helpline for adult (17+) male survivors of child sexual abuse and adult rape. Answerphone messages are returned as soon as possible.

Victim Supportline - 0845 30 30 900

Nationwide lo-call service, 9am–9pm Mon–Fri, 9am–7pm weekends and bank holidays from 9am–5pm; Provides information and support to victims of all reported and unreported crime, including sexual crimes, racial harassment and domestic violence.

Victim Support's Male Helpline - 0800 328 3623
Freephone number for men, 12 noon to 2 pm, Mon to Fri

Rape and Sexual Violence Project - 0121 233 3818

A charity supporting female and male survivors of rape, sexual assault and childhood sexual abuse: offering information, telephone support and face to face counselling (7 days per week). Both male and female counsellors available.

Sheaf Domestic Violence Project - 0114 249 8881 or 0114 249 8882

Works directly with women, children and Men who have been or still are suffering from domestic violence. Offers face to face visits, an escort service to court / hospital / etc.

M.A.L.E (Men's Advice Line Enquiries) - 0845 064 6800 Based in Plymouth, Devon. Calls are charged at the local rate and the number will appear on your phone bill. Mon 10am -9pm, Tuesday - Thurs 10am - 5pm (answer machine at all other times).

Men's Aid - 0871 223 9986 - Based in Milton Keynes. A registered charity providing advice on what to do if you are in an abusive relationship. The helpline provides someone to talk to in the strictest of confidence, helpful and constructive advice, and information on other useful contacts specific to your individual needs. Tel