Abuse in Relationships - It's All About Control

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Abuse in Relationships - It's All About Trying to Control

Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers and abusers. Most batterers enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions; many non-physical (verbal/emotional) abusers never admit their abusive behavior.

It's all about control. There are varying theories about what makes batterers use abuse on those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender specific. Experts have reached a conensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.

One batterer who has now gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse and the intimidation were all about control. It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful."

The issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of Domestic Violence. Domestic Abuse occurs in relationships where conflict is the continuous result of power inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of, and harmed by the other.

Although it can vary from case to case, and doesn't take into account other forms of domestic abuse, the "Cycle of Violence" can be used as a model for understanding violent behavior. This cycle and its phases briefly are:

• Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
• Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
• Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
• Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!
• Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.
• Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!

This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse and social abuse. However, the cycle may sometimes also be applied to verbal/ emotional/psychological abuse as well.

Getting Help

There are resources available for batterers, but generally speaking many only seek help when ordered by the courts to do so, and most states spend no tax dollars on treatment for batterers, usually offering only incarceration in jail or prison as a solution. Putting the abuser in jail will stop the violence, but usually only temporarily since no treatment is available. The problem is, involvement of the police and incarceration can actually trigger greater violence in some cases.

The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. This often leaves victims feeling trapped and helpless.